Saturday, August 14, 2010

Disturbing Trends in Womens Fashion

I love women. A lot. To quote esteemed former President Lyndon Johnson, “I want to make a policy statement. I am unabashedly in favor of women.” However, some of these latest fashion trends are making it harder and harder (no, not that) to find an eligible female to mate with and have 2.5 children. The following trends make me want to have exactly .5 children. See for yourself.

Pajama Jeans

The slogan says it all. “Pajamas to Live in.” Wow. Really? Get out of your pajamas! Are you really that lazy?!

I would hate to be the copy writer for this product. I can imagine it now:

Pajama Jeans! Now you’re lazy ass can be lazy without looking like it. Pajama Jeans offer you the unique ability to effectively disguise the fact that you’ve worn the same pants for 5 days in a row. You can now sleep, exercise, and go out for a night on the town without ever having to change your pants. People will no longer be saying, “Is that a 3 day old mustard stain on your sweats?” Instead, they’ll say, “Is that a 3 day old mustard stain on your jeans?” Order NOW!


Problem: Your pants don’t fit properly, so your vagina shows. Not attractive.

Solution: Camelflage!

What a lovely blend of words. See what they did there?

In my exhaustive research on the topic, I also came across Camel Ammo and my favorite the Cuchini (it’s so Klassy cuz it’s Italian). These solutions are more or less a removable insert that are essentially an inverted cup for the ladies. According to their website, it “is discreet and molds to fit the unique shape of each woman’s curves leaving it totally undetectable in the tightest pants.”

Other solutions include not wearing pants that show your vagina. Sure, some might say, “That’s not fair. I do yoga so I have to wear skin tight clothing that reveals my lady bits.” My only response is look for pants with an inseam that do not recede within your body. I think that’s a pretty good indicator that the clothing you’re buying isn’t cut properly for your body. A good rule of thumb might be, “If your vagina shows, just say no.”

The Femullet

Nothing says, “Do me now!” like these functional yet fashionable coifs.

For more of these sexy hair dos, click here. You seriously won’t regret it.

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